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<title>In which Steve realises going back in time probably wasn’t his best idea by Udbsken</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28147803">In which Steve realises going back in time probably wasn’t his best idea</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Udbsken/pseuds/Udbsken'>Udbsken</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ending Fix, F/M, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:35:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,837</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28147803</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Udbsken/pseuds/Udbsken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As it turns out, Steve probably should have put more thought into abandoning his whole life for a girl he dated briefly</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In which Steve realises going back in time probably wasn’t his best idea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The idea in going back in time had been to live an ordinary life. Steve would have been perfectly happy being the stay at home husband to Peggy’s SHIELD director, but once he was actually in the alternate timeline, things turned out to be more complicated than he had first assumed, which seemed to be a recurring theme in his life in general. He'd lived with Peggy for only six months before he did everything he promised himself he wouldn't do and told her everything. He said that he wasn't thawed out in the 40s like he had said, but actually from the future, and proceeded to tell her all the details he remembered about Hydra’s infiltration of SHIELD, Bucky’s capture and imprisonment, and Howard and Maria Stark’s death. And Peggy, in the quick no nonsense way that Steve loved, had told him that she understood, and went about cleansing SHIELD of any Hydra operatives. Steve, meanwhile, had picked up the shield he'd sworn he'd never use again, and rescued Bucky forty years before he was supposed to in the original timeline. Once he had started meddling with the timeline, he wasn't sure where to stop. Thoughts of Nat and what little she had told him about the Red Room kept rising, unbidden, into his mind. It was just like him to retire straight into another fight. Still, there was no way he could stand by and let things happen when there was a chance that he could help. That wasn't the worst part. Sometimes someone would say or do something that would remind him of Sam, or Thor, or Fury, and a wave of guilt and grief would wash over him again. On the worst days, it was like the Snap all over again, except this time he’d chosen to do it. But that was all worth it, he'd remind himself, if he could spend the rest of his life with Peggy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did love her - he loved the precise, meticulous way she did everything, the way she cared so much about everyone, especially the vulnerable, the calm fury with which she approached all the injustices in the world. He thanked God for every second he got to spend with her here. Why then, did he find his eyes wandering to the sock drawer in which he'd buried the time travel device?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve was snapped - ugh, even the word made him shudder - out of his reverie by a knock on the door. Bucky opened it without waiting for a reply. He'd been living with them for the past couple of months as he tried to recover his memories and save for a place of his own, which he was constantly apologetic about, although Steve and Peggy both insisted they didn't mind. Peggy said he was happier when Bucky was around. Hydra had done considerably less damage in this timeline, since Steve was able to get to him earlier, but recovering his memories was still a struggle. Watching Bucky look at him with no recognition in his eyes was perhaps the worst feeling in the world - a feeling he definitely didn't need a second taste of. He found himself longing for Wakandan technology to speed up the process. Still, even without it, Bucky had recovered most of his memories by now, and was acting more like the friend Steve knew, although the differences between the person at the door and the one waiting by the transport in 2024 were small but noticeable; tiny little mannerisms which hit Steve like a hammer to the face whenever he spotted one. Steve also hadn't told Bucky about the whole ‘being from the future’ thing. He figured remembering who you were was hard enough without having to wrap your head around an alternate future self. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, have you seen my toothbrush?” Bucky asked. “It's not in the bathroom.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you check the cabinet?” Steve asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. No, I didn't. I should probably do that, huh.” He said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That would be smart.” Steve agreed. “If you keep forgetting where things are, I'm going to need to throw myself off a helicarrier again.” He made the joke without thinking, falling back into the casual familiarity of talking to Bucky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky paused in the doorway. “What’s a helicarrier?” He asked, with genuine curiosity in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve cursed under his breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Idiot. Obviously he has no idea what you're talking about.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Don't worry about it.” Steve said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky shrugged. “Okay.” He left without another word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The good thing about his amnesia was that he had a tendency to write off any slip ups in Steve’s story as faults in his own memory. Still, hearing him say that was a reminder of how different this Bucky was from the one Steve was used to that elicited a familiar ache in his chest. With a sigh, he opened the drawer and pulled out the device he hadn't held in over a year, turning it over in his hand. This was where he belonged, wasn't it? If he didn't belong here, where could he belong? </span>
  <em>
    <span>You know where</span>
  </em>
  <span>, a voice in his head said. He thought of the alternate version of himself sleeping in the ice. This was his life, really; Steve was just living in it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did what he always did when he felt overwhelmed - he went in search of Peggy. He found her in the study, where she spent most of her free time, sorting through job applicant files. She looked up at Steve's arrival.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve!” She noticed his expression. “What’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve didn't know how to answer. Peggy’s eyes flicked to the time travel device he was still fiddling with back to his face, understanding dawning in them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're going to go back.” She said, without a trace of malice or resentment in her voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve made some weak protests, unsure of how to articulate his feelings properly. Was he really that easy to read? Then again, it was Peggy. She waved his “no”s aside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's okay Steve. I understand. I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did to be honest. You've never been one to run away from a fight.” She said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that's the whole point - I don't want to fight anymore.” Steve said, well aware that he sounded like a petulant child.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You're a moron if you thought here was the only place you could do that. You came here because it was safe, familiar, and you were afraid. And I'm so glad I got a chance to say goodbye to you. But you don't need to stay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>How ironic that she was the one trying to convince him to leave. Steve took her hands in his, enjoying the way they fit together as if they had been designed to hold each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The thing is in the other timeline - in my timeline - you have a life without me. You have a husband and a family, and you're an absolute powerhouse as the head of SHIELD. I think -” he swallowed, “I think you were happy. And I can't help feeling like by staying, I'm taking that away from you.” He said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd never told her about her alternate self before. She seemed only slightly surprised to find out she had a family, like she'd expected she would. Steve had always known that her life had never revolved around him - he'd been lucky just to be a moon in her orbit - but watching her now only solidified how little she needed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a breath and continued, feeling unable to stop the words pouring out of him. “I'm happy here, but - I'm just living someone else's life. I think -” he looked at her and felt the fresh pain of leaving her anew, like he was sinking into the icy water all over again. He couldn't bring himself to say it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peggy finished it for him. “You need to live your own.” She pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “I understand.” She said softly. “Of course I understand. Go be with your family.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve looked into her large dark eyes and remembered them brimming with tears when he's shown up on her doorstep, the way her hands had felt on his hips as they waltzed around the room. He had gotten to say goodbye. He would live a thousand lifetimes, die a thousand deaths, just to have that opportunity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Peggy.” He said it like a sacramental rite, a phrase which he could rely on no matter the situation, which he always knew to be true. A fact of the universe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.” She whispered, and she said it like a goodbye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned to go to a different room, his heart aching, and saw Bucky lurking awkwardly in the doorway, which was a habit left over from his Hydra days. Steve couldn't count the number of times he'd been jumpscared by his sudden movement when Steve hadn't realised he was in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” He said, looking from Peggy to Steve to the time travel device. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve pulled him into a quick hug, the familiarity and strangeness of his face standing out more than it ever had before. “I'll see you soon.” He said, leaving a thoroughly confused Bucky without any further information.</span>
</p><p>Before he could change his mind about leaving Peggy, Steve went to the living room, thinking time travelling in front of people was probably inconsiderate.</p><p>
  <span>Steve looked around for one last time at the house, the life he missed out on, the happy ending he could never have had. And, for the first time, the thought of the future filled him with excitement instead of dread - waiting for him there was a different kind of happy ending, an unknown future as of yet unwritten. Steve was finally going to live the life he had made for himself, instead of the life he thought he was destined to have. He took a deep breath, and travelled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The quantum realm, as it had done so many months ago, flashed by for barely a second before he arrived, stumbling slightly, back in the future. Before he could fully register his surroundings, or the blank look of shock on Bucky’s face, he enveloped him in a hug, which his best friend quickly reciprocated. There, in Bucky’s arms, he felt an acute sense of rightness, the same way hugging the Bucky of the other timeline had felt wrong. This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> Bucky. This was his life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky pulled away first, looking confused. “I thought you weren't coming back.” He said in a small voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked so raw when he said that, so broken-hearted and hopeful, that Steve wondered how on earth he had thought leaving him behind was ever a good idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn't going to.” Steve admitted. “But I changed my mind after spending a year and a half back there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky looked at him wide eyed. “Didn't you miss her more than you wanted to spend your future with us?” </span>
</p><p>He didn't have to clarify who ‘her’ was. They both knew that there'd only ever really be one ‘her’ for them.</p><p>
  <span>“I did miss her. I still miss her.” Steve amended. “I don't think I'm ever going to stop. But, however much I loved the time I spent with her, she's my past. You guys are my future. I think it's time I got a life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam interrupted before Bucky could break into tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, wait, you were going to stay in the past forever?” He asked incredulously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve nodded sheepishly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam snorted. “You're lucky you have your looks, Rogers.” More seriously, he added “I'm glad you chose to come back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve nodded in agreement. “I should probably tell you guys that I want to retire.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bruce, who’d Steve had briefly forgotten had been watching the whole reunion, looked doubtful. “Steve Rogers staying out of a fight? I don't believe it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There's more than one way to fight, Bruce.” Steve reminded him. “And I've had about enough of this kind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed his shield from where it lay forgotten on the transport and tossed it to Sam, who caught it in surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that belongs to you.” Steve said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam blanched. “What? You're saying I - you -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm not calling you Cap.” Bucky said with some satisfaction.</span>
</p><p>Steve had already told him about this aspect of the plan, of course, and Bucky agreed that it was the right decision, although he still thought that Sam was an ‘insufferable idiot’.</p><p>
  <span>“Steve - I can't accept this.” Sam said, clearly a little overwhelmed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes you can. And I would trust anyone less.” Sam looked hesitantly at the shield. “Look, just try it out, okay? If you don't like it, I can always use it for some wicked games of ultimate frisbee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sam smiled warily at him. “Okay. But I'm not going to be you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I don't want you to be.” Steve said. “I want you to be you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Three years later</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve shoved the apartment door open with his shoulder, his hands full of grocery bags. James, the golden retriever puppy they'd gotten from a shelter by tag-team begging Sam, skittered around the corner at the sound of the door, still unwieldy on his three legs despite the rigorous training Steve had been putting him through. Steve put the bags down so he could pat him, the dog’s growing frame almost as big as he was when he crouched. Steve could barely imagine his size when he was fully grown. Probably a lot more ornaments would be knocked over by his perpetually wagging tail. He brought the shopping to the kitchen before James could stick his nose in it, which he had been known to do in the past (Steve still remembered vividly that time he had devoured an entire leg of ham). He spared a fond glance for the photo framed on the kitchen wall - Nat smiling at the photographer over an ice cream sundae, her long red-blonde hair tied back from her face in a messy bun. There wasn't much he could stand remembering about his post-Snap existence, but she was one of those memories. Looking at her, he felt the familiar ache of missing her well up in his chest yet again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve?” A voice said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve tracked it's source to the living room, surprised to see Bucky leaning against the armrest of the couch, the new Game of Thrones book propped open between his knees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck!” Steve said. “I thought you were still with Sam in Russia!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ukraine.” He corrected. “And I was, but we just got back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve had gotten used to his two roommates travelling around a lot - he supposed it was part of the deal of living with two active duty superheroes - but that didn't mean he didn't wish (selfishly, he guessed) that he could spend more time with them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where's Sam?” Steve asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘Enjoying the Brooklyn sun’ apparently. Ukrainian winters are brutal.” Bucky said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't doubt it.” Said Steve, who had never been great with cold weather. “Well, I missed you.” He added, pressing a kiss to Bucky’s forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Prove it.” Bucky said, pulling him closer for a proper kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though they'd been dating for a year and a half now, Steve still felt a shock run through him whenever he kissed Bucky. The instinctual feeling of wrongness left over from the 40s had worn off, but their kisses were still unsure and tender, as if the thing between them was so fragile, it could shatter at a moment’s notice. They broke apart gently, Bucky holding Steve’s hand, running his fingers over his knuckles in a way that made Steve want to kiss him all over again. His finger paused on a gash on one of Steve’s knuckles that was still healing over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He frowned at it. “How did you get that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some guy was harassing a girl at a bar.” Steve said by way of an explanation. He trusted Bucky knew him well enough to fill in the blanks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky smiled affectionately. “Same old Steve then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, pretty much. Except you don't have to save my butt every time I get in a brawl.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky got that faraway look in his eyes that he always did when they talked about the 40s, like a fond sadness. “I sort of miss that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Deep down, Steve knew that Bucky was still saving him. They were saving each other. It wasn't perfect. Nothing was. He still woke up in a cold sweat with Thanos’ face in his nightmares sometimes, Sam and Bucky looking at him with an understanding worry that reminded him that they shared the same dreams. Villainy hadn't exactly died down, both in super and regular varieties (Steve was currently working on the latter). Nat and Tony were still gone. But standing in that sunny apartment, hand in hand with his boyfriend, with James trying desperately to get to the food on the counter, Steve felt like he was finally okay.</span>
</p>
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